Title: Dangerous Things
Author: knightshade
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don’t own Knight Rider or any of its characters, divisions, branches, or wholly owned subsidiaries. This is just for fun. There’s no profit to be had.
Summary: He wanted to pretend there weren’t a thousand emotions beating through his heart right now, but he just couldn’t fool himself.
Author’s Notes: Takes place at some point after The Scent of Roses.
Dangerous Things
In a cruel form of mutiny, Michael’s eyes strayed to the folder on the passenger seat again. He just couldn’t stop looking at it. Try as he might to find something else to keep his attention, the folder just kept drawing him back. He wanted to pretend it meant nothing. And honestly, it didn’t. He knew that, but he just couldn’t help the feelings it dredged up. He wanted to pretend there weren’t a thousand emotions beating through his heart right now, but he just couldn’t fool himself.
“Michael, are you okay?”
And he couldn’t fool his partner either. Michael shifted uncomfortably, sitting up straighter, plastering a smile on his face that no one would fall for – least of all Kitt. “Fine, buddy, why?”
“In the last twelve minutes, you’ve glanced at that folder seven times.”
Michael was tempted to try to shrug it off, to say it wasn’t a big deal, but he had a feeling that Kitt wasn’t going to buy that.
“Yeah, I guess I have,” he said, resigned to having the conversation. The picture was what had done it. It had completely unnerved him since he’d first glanced at it. Maybe it would help to talk about it.
“It’s not Stevie,” Kitt said matter-of-factly.
“I know that. But she looks a little too much like her.”
“She does seem to share a striking resemblance.”
“I can’t help looking at that picture and wondering.” He stopped, not sure if he could even explain it. Obviously this wasn’t Stevie, but it still hit him in a really personal way.
“Wondering what, Michael?”
“Wondering what I would have done if it was her.” He took his hands off the wheel, done trying to divide his concentration, and let Kitt take over. “When Stevie was in the Witness Protection Program, I used to lay awake some nights, just wondering if she was okay. Something would remind me of her and I’d just lie there for hours, hoping that she was happy. I had to tell myself that she was fine in order to deal with it. If I’d thought she was scared or lonely or needed me, there’s no way I could have let it go. I had to tell myself that staying away was the best thing for her – I was keeping her safe. Kitt, if I knew she could be hurt or scared or in a bad place, I would have been tearing my hair out. And I wouldn’t have stopped until I found her.”
“And you’re feeling some of that now because this woman looks like her,” Kitt finished.
Michael set his jaw and closed his eyes. “Yeah, maybe that’s part of it. That, and talking to her parents. It’s too easy to imagine what they’re going through right now.”
“And that makes it more personal for you.”
“I guess. I just really want to find her.”
“You know there’s a very real possibility that we won’t find her alive.”
“Yeah. I know.” But he had to believe that even that would be better for the people who loved her than this uncertainty. If she stayed missing then there was always that hope that she’d be found. He felt horrible for thinking it, but it was easier for him knowing that Stevie was dead than it would be if he were holding out hope the she was alive somewhere. At least in death he knew she was at peace and not in some terrible situation. Without that, he knew he’d probably go to the ends of the Earth, give up everything -- possibly even his own sanity -- to find her. He couldn’t imagine doing anything else.
Hope could be dangerous sometimes.
Michael tapped his fingers lightly on the steering yoke. “I just want to bring her parents some closure, Kitt. I want to find her,” he said glancing at the folder again.
“As long as you understand that the person you’re finding is Jennifer Lynman and not Stevie Mason.”
Sometimes Kitt’s perceptiveness was startling, even after all this time together. A part of him wanted Stevie back and always would. And he couldn’t deny that there had been a small spark of hope in seeing Jennifer’s picture. Not that he thought she was Stevie. But she looked like Stevie – maybe, just maybe she was also a little bit like Stevie.
Oh, he knew it wasn’t real. He knew it was just a fantasy – a dangerous one that he couldn’t afford to indulge.
“I know, Kitt,” he said, as much for himself as his partner.
Hope was a dangerous thing indeed.
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-knightshade
June 13, 2006
