Title: Breakfast
Author: knightshade
Rating: PG
Summary: Jean-Luc is at a loss for how to help Beverly.
Disclaimer: Don't own Crusher or Picard. Would like to, but you know how it goes.
Breakfast
Jean-Luc Picard stirred his tea thoughtfully and checked the time again. She was late. Not that that was unusual in any way. The good doctor often breezed in late, having had to attend to some emergency or on her way to do so. She would often offer him a quick apology before grabbing a croissant and disappearing as quickly as she had arrived. Not unusual, but today he had expected her to be late, and she hadn’t disappointed. He sighed and stirred his tea some more. He thought about starting his breakfast before she arrived, but it was such a ritual of theirs that he didn’t feel right breaking it. That and she would likely be on edge, ready to snap if things were out of order. His goal was not to upset her any further. He wanted to provide some comfort, ease her burden in some way.
Not that she would let him. Heaven forbid. Jean-Luc’s somewhat bitter smile was borne of many years of frustration at his own inability to better handle the situation. He knew what to expect, which didn’t make things any easier, just predictable.
The tone chimed, indicating that someone was at his door. “Come,” he said.
The door whooshed and Beverly Crusher stormed through it, her face clouded and her mind obviously elsewhere. “I can’t stay. There’s been an emergency,” she said in a rush.
He hadn’t been informed. “What is it?” he asked, standing, his breakfast forgotten.
“Ensign Ryeberg was in the Holodeck with the safeties over-ridden. He was badly burned.” She seemed to suddenly realize that she wasn’t in Sick Bay and turned back toward the door. There was something in her eyes, a primal fear that Jean-Luc was not used to seeing. Then it dawned on him -- of all the days for someone to be burned.
“Is he alright?”
Beverly paused and seemed to recover her composure for a minute – put on her medical face. “Yes. He’ll be fine. He’s stable and Dr. Sinclair and Nurse Ogawa are working on him. I just need to get back.”
“Of course. Are you alright?” he asked, delicately.
She paused, as if seeing him for the first time. “Yes. I just wanted to let you know that I wasn’t going to be able to stay for breakfast.”
“You could have called,” he said, approaching her slowly.
“I …” she sputtered and he felt bad about calling her bluff. It would have been better to play along. Nicer, anyway. She looked up at him, at a loss for words.
He sighed. Of all the days to be impolite. In the early years he had avoided her like the plague. He had felt guilty and didn’t want to share his own grief with her. He was afraid she blamed him -- after all, he blamed himself. But eventually he had realized that Beverly understood command and the responsibilities it entailed. She didn’t blame him. Then he had tried to be a distraction, trying to do something nice to take her mind off of things, but she didn’t really want that either. She would suffer his suggestions of time on the Holodeck or dinner in Ten Forward and even seemed to enjoy herself for a while, but eventually she would get quiet and forlorn. He didn’t know what she wanted or needed from him, so he simply tried to be there, waiting for her to say something. Maybe he should be the one to say something. From the look on her face, now might be the time to test that theory.
Jena-Luc reached out and took Beverly’s hands in his. “I know what today is,” he said gently.
She focused on him a moment and then quickly dropped her gaze. She hesitated and then looked back up at him, imploring. “I always put myself on two shifts. Usually it’s a good distraction, but he came in, screaming.” She shuddered slightly. “I haven’t … I wasn’t prepared to deal with an emergency today.”
Jean-Luc nodded. “Of course not.”
“I know that after all this time, it shouldn’t bother me anymore . . .”
“But it does.”
She nodded slightly. Jean-Luc knew there was something else. Everything about her attitude and tone told him she was looking for something, but he just didn’t know what. What could he say or do that would make the anniversary of Jack’s death any easier for her to bear? There wasn’t anything -- he knew that.
“I’m sorry,” he said, lamely. On impulse, he gathered her in a hug, as consolation for his inability to say something more meaningful. But to his surprise she rested her head on his shoulder and didn’t pull away. He felt her sigh into him. Jean-Luc somewhat awkwardly put his hand on her head and stroked her hair.
“I don’t know why it still hits me this hard. I always miss him. But for some reason I just can’t stop thinking about him on the day he died.”
“That’s understandable.” Jean-Luc really wished he were better with this sort of situation. He could negotiate with Romulans, navigate a first contact, and swear in Klingon, but when he was trying to find the words to console someone, he often found himself tongue-tied. Especially when that someone was Beverly.
“And seeing Ensign Ryeberg come rushing into Sick Bay like that, well, it just scared the daylights out of me. I guess my mind was on Jack and to see someone else badly hurt, it just took me right back.”
“Beverly, he’s not Jack. And you said he’s going to be okay.”
“Yes. He’ll be fine. He’s going to have to spend some time under a dermal knitter. It just frightened me, I guess. I’m just not myself today.”
Jean-Luc rested his chin on Beverly’s head. “I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make things easier for you.”
Beverly sighed again and then looked up at him. “You’re doing it right now,” she said and rested her head back on his shoulder.
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-knightshade
-June 6, 2004
